Moore Is Unsure

ME LATEST BUSINESS VENTURE, THIS ONES GONNA MAKE ME MILLIONS



12 set of encyclopedias with the facts that bloody matter not that crap that fills the rest of them, comes on loads of photocopied sheets from a few refillpads that I've filled with the information about the world. My encyclopedia is so accurate and brilliant that an alien could come down to earth, learn to read, read my encyclopedia and know everything there is to know about the earth in three hours. Here are some samples.



PIGS (puh-ig-suh) A pig is an animal that lives in its own sh!t and smells like it. It produces the tastiest meat of all the animals I've ate so far. Policemen are also called pigs because they stop me fightin outside the nightclub and for beatin me wife. I'm tryin to express meself for fruyk sake. PICASSO USED HIS BRUSHES. I USE ME FISTS RIGHT?

DRINKIN (DUH-RIN-KIN): What i use to give me power. It makes me head work clearer and I'm less confused by stuff because I can punch what i dont understand or whatever makes me angry - like a panelbeater levelin out the dents, I too use me fists to level out the bumps in my life and the drink gives me the craftsmans eye that i need.

FIGHTIN (sounds of fist smashin into face): Involves usin me fists and I'd like to do it alot more but the PIGS wont let me and usually I'm too afraid to fight but DRINKIN sorts that out. My fightin style is goal orientated and the goal is puttin you in the hospital because I dont like ya

RIDIN (RHI-DUHINNNN): When I'm Done drinkin and fightin I like to get on the saddle. Me wife usually sorts that out but she spends alot of her time howlin or screamin or whimperin in the corner after I've punched her for not havin the dinner warm or something so I usually have to get me ride by goin to the nightclub and pickin up a woman, any ould trough of a thing will do sure the DRINKIN improves their looks anyways. Usually they have a boyfriend who is got rid of after FIGHTIN him. The PIGS sometimes come on the scene and can make things akward so you have to make sure you have him ready for the ambulance and out of the way as quickly as you can. This display of strength usually impresses the bird you picked up so you can bring her back home and she'll pay for the chips and taxi. The wife can sometimes be awake even though you thought you had her out cold for a few hours and if she's ragin, you wait untill the bird's back is turned and you beat the wife again and get the job right then you eat the chips with the bird and then ya get in the saddle.

LIFE (WASTE) : My life is good and you'rs wont be worth livin if yer a bump that needs levelin

Labels: GARRGHGHGHG

ever notice that popular half assed irish drama series of the 80's and 90's, Glenroe seemed to have alot of characters in with two syllable names. I say bring it back to tv...with robots.

remember....remember

Robot MIL-EY : DID YOU GET THE HEADAGE PAYMENTS BID-DE
Robot BID-DE: NEGATIVE I WAS BUYING PREPARATION H FOR A SORE PILE THAT DIN-NEY HAS ON HIS ROBOT BOTTOM..LOOK HE JUST HOBBLED IN ON HIS RUSTY HIPS
Robot DIN-NEY: I CANNOT SIT DOWN BECAUSE ME HOLE IS SORE OW OW OW PLEASE APPLY THE CREAM TO MY SORE AREA
Robot BID-DE: HERE YOU GO, I WILL USE MY FINGER OH IT LOOKS LIKE A DOOZIE OF A PILE ALRIGHT THAT SHOULD HELP IT HEAL
Robot DIN-NEY: THANK YOU I AM GOING TO TEA-SEY'S PUB FOR A PINT AU REVOIR
Robot MIL-EY: IS THAT ROBOT BLACK-IE I HEAR APPROACHING IN HIS SPACE HI-ACE TO SELL ASTRO ALUMINIUM GATES? OR PERHAPS SYL-VIE UP TO MORE OF HIS BINARY TRICKERY? MY ANTICIPATION CHIP IS OVERLOADING BEEP!! BEEP!!

~ next week : WELL HO-LIE GOD -

Labels: 101010101010101000000101010101011111111010101010101

In a futile bid to drag myself from a haze of smoke and daggers, kicking and screaming and kicking, into a more conscious and productive life of grime i decided to incorporate the age-old technique of dangling a carrot in front of my face using a empty loo roll and some balin' twine.

All was going well until i realised that not only was the carrot not a carrot - the carrot was in fact the much heralded/maligned comic/slash/actor, Jasper Carrot! Fancy that.

I AM NEVER GOING TO GET SICK OF SEEING THIS PICTURE UNLESS I LOOK AT IT AFTER EATING TOO MUCH TREACLE

Hello hello!

Danny DL here. When I met a drunken Jack Nicholson at the oscars aftershow party in 1989 he gave me some tips on acting and living. They involved sneering while doing both and drinking and doing drugs. How dreadful i thought to myself. I prefer my method acting, heck i broke two ribs in me when i was doing my left foot with leaning in the wheelchair all day - dont believe me then check wikipedia and come look at my shiny oscar in my mansion in italy na na.
Anyways Jack Nicholson tried to kill me is what I'm trying to say. He called over to my motel the next day in his convertable with two pretty girls in it and suggested we take a drive over to his production offices on sunset boolevard. OK says I and hopped in wrapping my scarf tight around my neck. We went over and the girls went to work as hookers on the boulevard (it turned out jack carpooled with them) he then brought out a script from the safe that had written on it


Oh Golly! thought I to myself inside of my head. I'm such a dedicated actor and i really go to extraordinary lengths to make my role convincing but how could i act as myself, I would have to study my own behaviors - I'd have to create some sort of mobile mirror dome that would fit on my head so i could always see my reactions and then over maybe a year and all the stuff that happens in my life I could better understand my personality, but then i realized if i was analyzing my actions how could they ever be genuine and I truly wouldn't get a measure of how i was really reacting. I stumbled out of Jacks offices with his triumphant laughter ringing in my ears and spun through the city for two weeks in a haze of action and reaction. Over the next year i was a mystery to myself because I couldn't move without analyzing what had caused me to do it, it was total poo! The moral of the story is that Jack Nicholson will do anything to retain his status as the worlds leading method actor. He is currently locked in a battle of wits with Robert DeNiro which he is winning rather easily and I'm sticking to low budget, high kudos films of quality so lesson learned.

Labels: WHAT THE HELL AM I WRITING SH--T LIKE THIS FOR

SLASH IS COOL
AXEL IS A BOLIX

Labels: bURGER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW THAN THE DEVIL YOU DONT

I found this old chip van for sale on the buhy and sell that I was goin for to be used to keep hens in but i took it and now i drive around to marts and fairs and weddins doin fast food. Me mother does the cookin in the back and i do help out a bit if thers lots of peolpole that are at it. HAve the menu writtn in marker on a bit of whiteboard on the side with prices so people can know what theyr gettin. i'm lookin to set up a website for it so people can invite me to do's and the like but thats in the popeline riught now because one of the chip pans cracked last night and coverd me mothers feet in boilin oil so she's still howlin and pickin blisters off but there's a car boot sale in longford tomorrow at ten and weare gon to be there so i bought her another pot of vaseline or vicks or some shi like that anyways this is the meneu

MOORS MOBILE FOOD JALOPY

MENU

RASHER ROLL : a rasher rolled and stuck on a toothpick - 40c
RASHER ROLL SUPREME : 2 rasher rolls on a toothpick with a lump of sauce on it - 80c
MUTTON CODGERS: fried chunks of fresh mutton served on a crispy roll with a lump of sauce on it - 1.30c
OLD MOTHER MOORES GOOD TIME PUDDIN : Deep fried chunks of puddin dipped in a spicy batter and deep fried in oil served on a roll with a few chunks of unfried puddin cos mother moore knows you love it that way
FISH IN A BOX WITH CHIPS AND TARTTART SAUCE : workin on a decent name for this. I'm not even sure if its fish, its just these blocks of white meat that come in a box and they're dead cheap the tartart sauce is just mayonaise with a bit of vinegar thrown in it - 4.70c
La Eleganté - Whole deep fried chicken, stuffed with puddin served with fried wedges


TEA - 40c
REAL TEA (wink wink) - 2.20c
FAG - 50c

AND REMEMBER NO MATTER WHERE WE ARE AND NO MATTER WHAT WE DO THURSDAY NIGHT IS LADYS NIGHT WHICH MEANS 10c DISCOUNT ON DISHES WITH PUDDIN IN THEM AND IF YER INTO ME JUST WAIT AROUND THE BACK UNTILL MA GOES TO BED. ILL BRING A FEW CODGERS WE CAN EAT UNDER THE STARS

Labels: ULCER TIME

J'adore mon tabernacle
J'adore mon tabernacle
Les enfants de la ville ont eu pour rançon
Oh! je vais déposer une plainteauprès de charles de gaulle